Wizardly Thoughts on the February Ballot


After January’s sweep by the Pissbum Powerhouse, the Grand Wizard was unsure how he would be able to keep up that high standard. Things became especially complicated when the Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler, in collaboration with the Cabal Obsidian Order, placed Mr. Gulley in the Galactic Killfile and declared him ineligible for any further awards. (This is just part of their ongoing campaign of harassment and intimidation, but I am unable to say more at the present time on the advice of our legal team, Grubor Grubor Grubor Cantor & Siegel LLP). A lesser man might have folded under the pressure… but I, my friends, am no lesser man. And so I am pleased to announce that the Grand Wizard’s stable is once again making an exceptionally strong showing on the February 2012 AUK ballots.

Leading the way this month is net.legend Archimedes Plutonium. When we last spoke Dr. Plutonium was on the ballot for the Palmjob Paddle, George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award and the Office of Darth Bawl. He then received a nomination for the Pickett’s Charge from mathematical legend Stephen Smale — only to have it cruelly snatched away by the FNVW! Mr. Wrangler claimed, completely erroneously, that Dr. Smale was in fact a sock puppet and made intimations that the Grand Wizard’s hand was to be found in that sock.  (The mind boggles at the injustice, my friends, the mind boggles). But rather than complain at the continuing history of anti-science bullying among the FNVW and COO, the Grand Wizard did an end run around them. Taking our case to the Usenet administration, the Grand Wizard was able to get Dr. Plutonium nominated not only for the Pickett’s Charge but for the Busted Urinal and the coveted Kluck Lysaught Tar & Feathers Award.  And given the success of Dr. Plutonium in calling on the forces of science and Usenet administration, the Grand Wizard is in negotiations to get him a Special Ops Memorial Cody.  Let’s see if seven is Dr. Plutonium’s lucky number for the month of February.

Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson’s campaign started out slowly but has finally begun to pick up steam.  Hanson is now the uncontested nominee for the Loony Maroon award, which is a fitting trophy for his long history of consummate cretinism.  His campaign for the Busted Urinal faces some stiff and stinking competition from Dr. Plutonium and Ras Michael Enoch McCarthy. The Grand Wizard predicts Dr. Plutonium will take this one away, but these things are never certain until after the smoke clears and the ballot box is unstuffed. He will also be facing Ras Michael Enoch in the Pathetic Anal Pineapple race, and, in a surprise twist, will also be competing with none other than the Grand Wizard himself.  While the Grand Wizard prides himself on being pathetic and annoying, I doubt that I will be able to beat the likes of Enoch and Hanson: this one looks to be a toss-up between the Rasta and the Retard, with the Grand Wizard coming in a distant third.  And while I’d like to see Rock Hard Stupid win the Bolo Bullis Foam Duck award, I don’t know if he is going to be able to rally against the forces of rec.arts.dr-who. Their least favorite candidate, Yads, is up for the Bolo Bullis and it’s likely he’ll take it away.

Sir Fasgnadh (Indecisive Soldier of God) is the sole candidate for the February 2012 Coward of the Month. His nomination for Palmjob Paddle is awaiting a second: even if he gets this one, the Grand Wizard is not sure he’ll be able to beat the likes of Dr. Plutonium. And as we were going to press, we received word that the illustrious Pope Snarky had nominated Sir Fasgnadh for the Unabomber Surprise.  He has an excellent chance at taking this award in February. The only candidate currently on the ballot, One/Nessie, is a revenge nomination put there by Peter Ross for the unpardonable crime of being a better poet than the FNVWE.

Perhaps the most interesting race on this month’s ballot is one in which the Grand Wizard plays no role. The February 2012 Kook of the Month race has two exceptionally strong candidates. The Masked Alien, winner of last month’s Coward of the Month and Emmett Gulley Obsesso Awards, has done a fantastic job of riling up the folks in AUK.  They’re promising lawsuits and legal actions: they’re making all sorts of empty threats about unmasking him. And he keeps laughing at them and making them hop up and down even more spectacularly.  This kind of true trolling genius is a rare and wonderful sight, and the Grand Wizard is always happy to recognize greatness.

He’d be a shoo-in for the award, save for his competition, Yads. Yads has a devoted following in rec.arts.dr-who and is likely to give the Alien a run for his money. Can the man who beat the legendary Pissbum Powerhouse for CoTM in January beat the con-funk of a thousand Dr. Who fans? Time will tell, my friends, time will tell.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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