The Grand Wizard was concerned that Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson might not make the cut for the February awards. Mind you, nobody questions Mr. Hanson’s utter idiocy. But when it comes to being cretinous, Mr. Hanson is too successful for his own good. To be nominated for an award one must catch the attention of two Usenetizens who are willing to stand up, point at you, and say “You are an idiot.” You might not think this would be difficult. But Greegor’s long and dishonorable history of stupidity has left him the denizen of many killfiles. And you can’t be nominated if nobody reads your drool-flecked drivel. Take that lesson to heart, aspiring trolls, take that lesson to heart.
Thankfully Johnny Dollar rose to the occasion and provided a second for Mr. Hanson’s nominations to the Loony Maroon and Joseph Bartlo Pathetic Anal Pineapple awards. As an insurance investigator, Mr. Dollar has extensive experience perusing boring texts. He had the stomach to sort through Mr. Hanson’s IQ-challenged ruminations and the heart to stand up and say “Yes. This man is truly an award-worthy moron.” While Mr. Dollar and the Grand Wizard have had their differences in the past, I thank him for having the courage to do what is right and make sure that exceptional Usenet idiocy is appropriately recognized.
So far Mr. Hanson is a shoo-in for Loony Maroon, being the only candidate on the ballot. He may have a bit more of a fight for the Pathetic Anal Pineapple, as he is facing long-time contender Ras Michael Enoch McCarthy. Mr. McCarthy is definitely a worthy challenger – his history of incarceration in the name of Internet argument rivals the Pissbum Powerhouse. But if you ask the Grand Wizard, he has passed his prime as an award-winning Kook. His latest Usenet performances have consisted of canned anti-Semitic and racist screeds reposted repeatedly. This should ensure his place in many bozo bins as well and make the competition more even. While Ras has a bit more historical (lack of) credibility than Rock Hard Stupid Hanson, I am confident that Mr. Hanson can pull off an upset. Mr. McCarthy is strictly past-tense: Rock Hard Stupid is the future of online idiocy.
The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.