After last month’s triumphant showing the crown jewel in the Grand Wizard’s turban – Emmett “Pissbum Powerhouse” Gulley – was thrown into the Galactic Killfile and declared ineligible for any further AUK awards. A lesser manager might crack under this pressure, but I rose to the occasion, my friends, I rose to the occasion. Bereft of my prize fighter, I took advantage of the depth and density of my stable and called on some fighters who had been sadly neglected last month.
What can I say about Archimedes Plutonium? Who doesn’t know the heartwarming tale of the Dartmouth dishwasher who rose to universal fame throughout Usenet’s sci.* newsgroups thanks to his radical reinterpretations of contemporary physics, mathematics, economics and common sense? Dr. Plutonium (like Dr. Manhattan, only he’s not blue and he has a smaller penis) has been fighting for almost two decades to gain the respect he deserves from the cretinous keyboard cowboys and pathetic pencil-necks who populate that two-bit popcorn stand known as alt.usenet.kooks. They had counted him out, my friends, they had counted him out. But the Grand Wizard knows that real genius never fades, it just starts to smell funny. And so, with my aid, and a little bit of assistance from one of Dr. Plutonium’s august colleagues, Dr. Plutonium is now in the running for the coveted Darth Bawl Award. All those calls and e-mails to Congresscritters and scientific luminaries have finally paid off, Dr. Plutonium. Now all you have to do is beat out Greg Hall, the current Big Bawler and Shot Caller. But that’s not all: the Grand Wizard is currently negotiating to get Dr. Plutonium his third Victor Von Frankenstein Weird Science award.
Meanwhile, Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson continues to sink to new depths of knuckle-dragging cretinism, thanks to the Grand Wizard’s sage advice. (Actually, it’s puce advice: sage clashes with my sequined orange blazer). Thanks to one of Canada’s finest kookologist, seasoned veteran Bit Rot, Mr. Hanson has now been nominated for no less than four awards. He faces stiff competition from Ras Michael Enoch for the Pathetic Anal Pineapple and Busted Urinal, but when it comes to the Loony Maroon and Bolo Bullis Foam Duck Hanson is far and away the odds-on Rock Hard Stupid favorite. This is your month to shine, Mr. Hanson, this is your month to shine. With the Grand Wizard’s help, you will be forever remembered for your truly remarkable slope-browed stupidity.
And let’s not count out Fasgnadh, Indecisive Soldier of God. After winning last month’s George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$”, Global Village Pump and Golden Killfile Awards for his battle against the murderous unbelievers of alt.atheism, Fasgnadh is tan, rested and ready to do battle once again with the forces of reason, skepticism, and rational thinking. (There may not be much of that going around on alt.atheism, but since Fasgnadh wouldn’t recognize rational thinking if it bit him, there’s nothing to fear). We’re hoping to get him a Palmjob Paddle to go along with last month’s awards and may even try once again for the Unabomber Surprise award which was so cruelly stolen from him by the Flonkheads of alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk. Tremble in fear, Meowmix, tremble in fear. There’s a more deserving candidate over the horizon and he’s going to give you a lesson in the power of sheer verbiage.
Meanwhile, rumor has it that there’s some first class kookery to be found on alt.fan.bob-larson. While our first candidate didn’t pan out (sorry, yumhyuk, but do try again after you’ve perfected your trolling skills) we’re confident that we can get a true name brand world-famous kook in our stable. Confidentiality agreements presently prevent me from saying more, but let’s just say the Grand Wizard has yet another surprise in store for his loyal fans.
The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.