With Emmett “The Pissbum Powerhouse” Gulley in my stable, I knew that January was going to be a month to remember… and it was, my friends, it was. Like a rabid chihuahua on a bath salts binge, the Pissbum Powerhouse came out with tooth bared. Before he was finished he made sure everybody on AUK could smell what the Gulley was wearing. Gulley won January 2012’s Loony Maroon award, the Joseph Bartlo “Pathetic Anal Pineapple” Award, the Palmjob Paddle, the Victor von Frankenstein Weird Science Award, the George Pickett Memorial Trophy, the Busted Urinal, the Goofy Azzed Baboon, the Bobo Bullis Foam Duck Award, the Douglas Grant Medal for Historical Revisionism, and the Richard M. Nixon Pathological Liar Award. And as if that wasn’t enough, he proceeded to take two – yes, two! – tag team titles. With the notorious Captain Greg Hall, he took the Tony Sideaway Drama Queen Award: they later joined forces with % and Janithor to win the Ministry of Circle Jerks. He then went on to help his longtime colleague and nemesis Albatross to win the Barbara Woodhouse Memorial Dog Whistle. After this, is it any wonder he was also declared the official AUK Mascot?
(Sadly, the Pissbum Powerhouse was unable to complete a hoped-for sweep of the January 2012 awards, losing Coward of the Month to Alien in a heartbreakingly close race).
Longtime alt.atheism crusader Fasgnadh, Indecisive Soldier of God joined the Grand Wizard’s stable this month. With my assistance, he was able to take January 2012’s George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award and, in a stunning upset, was able to wrest the office of Global Village Pump from the legendary Matthew “Diaperboi” Moulton. While he was robbed of a Unabomber Surprise in a controversial decision for meowmix and was unable to overcome the Pissbum Powerhouse tide in his contest for the Victor von Frankenstein Weird Science award, we’re sure he’ll be back for more soon. Tremble in fear, alt.atheism, tremble in fear. You’ll be hearing more – much, much, MUCH more – from Fasgnadh in the days to come.
Although Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson put up a valiant fight, he was outmatched in his bouts. Unable to beat the Pissbum Powerhouse for the Loony Maroon Award, Rock Hard Stupid nearly beat Greg Hall for the Office of Village Idiot – no mean feat! On AUK cretins are a dime a dozen, but Greegor’s rock hard stupidity is truly something to behold. After presiding over Pissbumania in January, the Grand Wizard predicts that February 2012 will be Greegor’s month to shine. And look for big things from the latest addition to the Grand Wizard’s stable – net.legend and scientific genius Archimedes Plutonium – as well.
The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.