He Blinded Them With Science: Archimedes Plutonium Sets Up for a Sweep

Yesterday the Grand Wizard was happy to announce that Archimedes Plutonium had been nominated for six awards in the February AUK election. I was hoping that, with some luck, he might also get nominated for a seventh. Well, my friends, when it rains it pours. As the fallout from the Plutonium Bomb reached several neighboring newsgroups, Dr. Plutonium’s longtime fans came out in droves to offer their support.

As of this morning, Dr. Plutonium has been nominated for the Palmjob Paddle, the Tony Sidaway Drama Queen Award, the George Pickett Memorial Trophy, the George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award, Special Ops Cody Memorial Purple Heart, Kluck Lysaght “Tar and Feathers” Award, Busted Urinal, Bolo Bullis Foam Duck, and Office of Darth Bawl. That’s nine – count them, nine – nominations.  To put this in perspective, during a career spanning nearly twenty years Dr. Plutonium has only been able to garner eight awards. With the Grand Wizard’s help, he stands a chance of doubling that count in one month.  And Dr. Plutonium shows no sign of slowing down in his quest to have the anti-science bullying newsgroup removed from Google and the Usenet.  So it’s entirely possible that we will be seeing even more nominations before this month is out.

Right now Plutonium looks to be a shoo-in for the Pickett, Sidaway, Custer, Lysaught and Special Ops Cody awards. If Pope Snarky is able to get a second for his nomination, the Goofy Good Doctor will be facing another member of the Grand Wizard’s stable – Sir Fasgnadh, Indecisive Soldier of God – for the Palmjob Paddle .  In the Busted Urinal race he will be squaring off against GWS member Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson and legendary net.loon Ras Michael Enoch in a true Clash of the Titanically Annoying.  The Bolo Bullis Foam Duck is another hotly contested award. Not only will Dr. Plutonium have to prove himself dumber than Rock Hard Stupid Hanson, he’ll have to overcome a stiff challenge from KoTM nominee Dave Yadalee.

But perhaps his most difficult challenge will come in the contest for the Distinguished Darth Bawl award.  While Dr. Plutonium’s whining is certainly noteworthy, he’s up against AUK legend Captain Greg Hall.  Those who remember Captain Greg’s whimpering in alt.free.newsservers are going to have great expectations for his successor: the Grand Wizard hasn’t seen that kind of butthurt since the Pissbum Powerhouse’s first night in prison. This is certainly a month to remember, my friends. When Rusty Tavek, the Grand Wizard of AUK, promises you quality kook  entertainment, you can bet your bottom turban that he will deliver.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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Wizardly Thoughts on the February Ballot

After January’s sweep by the Pissbum Powerhouse, the Grand Wizard was unsure how he would be able to keep up that high standard. Things became especially complicated when the Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler, in collaboration with the Cabal Obsidian Order, placed Mr. Gulley in the Galactic Killfile and declared him ineligible for any further awards. (This is just part of their ongoing campaign of harassment and intimidation, but I am unable to say more at the present time on the advice of our legal team, Grubor Grubor Grubor Cantor & Siegel LLP). A lesser man might have folded under the pressure… but I, my friends, am no lesser man. And so I am pleased to announce that the Grand Wizard’s stable is once again making an exceptionally strong showing on the February 2012 AUK ballots.

Leading the way this month is net.legend Archimedes Plutonium. When we last spoke Dr. Plutonium was on the ballot for the Palmjob Paddle, George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award and the Office of Darth Bawl. He then received a nomination for the Pickett’s Charge from mathematical legend Stephen Smale — only to have it cruelly snatched away by the FNVW! Mr. Wrangler claimed, completely erroneously, that Dr. Smale was in fact a sock puppet and made intimations that the Grand Wizard’s hand was to be found in that sock.  (The mind boggles at the injustice, my friends, the mind boggles). But rather than complain at the continuing history of anti-science bullying among the FNVW and COO, the Grand Wizard did an end run around them. Taking our case to the Usenet administration, the Grand Wizard was able to get Dr. Plutonium nominated not only for the Pickett’s Charge but for the Busted Urinal and the coveted Kluck Lysaught Tar & Feathers Award.  And given the success of Dr. Plutonium in calling on the forces of science and Usenet administration, the Grand Wizard is in negotiations to get him a Special Ops Memorial Cody.  Let’s see if seven is Dr. Plutonium’s lucky number for the month of February.

Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson’s campaign started out slowly but has finally begun to pick up steam.  Hanson is now the uncontested nominee for the Loony Maroon award, which is a fitting trophy for his long history of consummate cretinism.  His campaign for the Busted Urinal faces some stiff and stinking competition from Dr. Plutonium and Ras Michael Enoch McCarthy. The Grand Wizard predicts Dr. Plutonium will take this one away, but these things are never certain until after the smoke clears and the ballot box is unstuffed. He will also be facing Ras Michael Enoch in the Pathetic Anal Pineapple race, and, in a surprise twist, will also be competing with none other than the Grand Wizard himself.  While the Grand Wizard prides himself on being pathetic and annoying, I doubt that I will be able to beat the likes of Enoch and Hanson: this one looks to be a toss-up between the Rasta and the Retard, with the Grand Wizard coming in a distant third.  And while I’d like to see Rock Hard Stupid win the Bolo Bullis Foam Duck award, I don’t know if he is going to be able to rally against the forces of rec.arts.dr-who. Their least favorite candidate, Yads, is up for the Bolo Bullis and it’s likely he’ll take it away.

Sir Fasgnadh (Indecisive Soldier of God) is the sole candidate for the February 2012 Coward of the Month. His nomination for Palmjob Paddle is awaiting a second: even if he gets this one, the Grand Wizard is not sure he’ll be able to beat the likes of Dr. Plutonium. And as we were going to press, we received word that the illustrious Pope Snarky had nominated Sir Fasgnadh for the Unabomber Surprise.  He has an excellent chance at taking this award in February. The only candidate currently on the ballot, One/Nessie, is a revenge nomination put there by Peter Ross for the unpardonable crime of being a better poet than the FNVWE.

Perhaps the most interesting race on this month’s ballot is one in which the Grand Wizard plays no role. The February 2012 Kook of the Month race has two exceptionally strong candidates. The Masked Alien, winner of last month’s Coward of the Month and Emmett Gulley Obsesso Awards, has done a fantastic job of riling up the folks in AUK.  They’re promising lawsuits and legal actions: they’re making all sorts of empty threats about unmasking him. And he keeps laughing at them and making them hop up and down even more spectacularly.  This kind of true trolling genius is a rare and wonderful sight, and the Grand Wizard is always happy to recognize greatness.

He’d be a shoo-in for the award, save for his competition, Yads. Yads has a devoted following in rec.arts.dr-who and is likely to give the Alien a run for his money. Can the man who beat the legendary Pissbum Powerhouse for CoTM in January beat the con-funk of a thousand Dr. Who fans? Time will tell, my friends, time will tell.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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The Scientific Community Recognizes Archimedes Plutonium

Archimedes Plutonium is nothing if not determined, my friends, nothing if not determined. Since the early 1990s he’s been fighting against those dastardly scoundrels who forge posts by putting his name in them. He has canvassed tirelessly to shut down anti-science and bullying newsgroups like alt.usenet.kooks.  Yet this net.legend has never gained the sort of recognition he deserves for these heroic efforts. At least not until now.

The Grand Wizard would like to claim some credit for Dr. Plutonium’s new honors, but this wasn’t his doing.  It appears that the scientific luminaries whom  the GoofyGood Doctor has called upon for assistance have heard his cries for help and given him an appropriate response.

Thanks are in order to Dr. John Horton Conway for nominating Dr. Plutonium to the Darth Bawl Award and to Dr. Barry Mazur for his nominations for the Palmjob Paddle and the George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award. Sadly, the stAUKer conspiracy against the Grand Wizard’s stable continues, as Stephen Smale’s nomination for the Pickett’s Charge Trophy was rejected on the most transparent of technicalities.  Our legal team (Grubor, Grubor, Grubor, Cantor & Siegel) is on the case with this injustice.  Unfortunately our paralegal, Mr. Baillie, accidentally sent out our final warning letter to our upstream provider. We are still in the process of straightening this issue out and will be certain to keep you informed as events progress.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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Greegor Makes the (Failing) Grade

The Grand Wizard was concerned that Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson might not make the cut for the February  awards.  Mind you, nobody questions Mr. Hanson’s utter idiocy. But when it comes to being cretinous, Mr. Hanson is too successful for his own good. To be nominated for an award one must catch the attention of two Usenetizens who are willing to stand up, point at you, and say “You are an idiot.” You might not think this would be difficult. But Greegor’s long and dishonorable history of stupidity has left him the denizen of many killfiles. And you can’t be nominated if nobody reads your drool-flecked drivel. Take that lesson to heart, aspiring trolls, take that lesson to heart.

Thankfully Johnny Dollar rose to the occasion and provided a second for Mr. Hanson’s nominations to the Loony Maroon and Joseph Bartlo Pathetic Anal Pineapple awards. As an insurance investigator, Mr. Dollar has extensive experience perusing boring texts.  He had the stomach to sort through Mr. Hanson’s IQ-challenged ruminations and the heart to stand up and say “Yes. This man is truly an award-worthy moron.” While Mr. Dollar and the Grand Wizard have had their differences in the past, I thank him for having the courage to do what is right and make sure that exceptional Usenet idiocy is appropriately recognized.

So far Mr. Hanson is a shoo-in for Loony Maroon, being the only candidate on the ballot. He may have a bit more of a fight for the Pathetic Anal Pineapple, as he is facing long-time contender Ras Michael Enoch McCarthy.  Mr. McCarthy is definitely a worthy challenger – his history of incarceration in the name of Internet argument rivals the Pissbum Powerhouse. But if you ask the Grand Wizard, he has passed his prime as an award-winning Kook.  His latest Usenet performances have consisted of canned anti-Semitic and racist screeds reposted repeatedly.  This should ensure his place in many bozo bins as well and make the competition more even. While Ras has a bit more historical (lack of) credibility than Rock Hard Stupid Hanson, I am confident that Mr. Hanson can pull off an upset.  Mr. McCarthy is strictly past-tense: Rock Hard Stupid is the future of online idiocy.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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Still More Triumphs for the Grand Wizard’s Stable

In an unexpected development, Sir Fasgnadh (Indecisive Soldier of God) has just been chosen to appear on the February 2012 AUK ballot for the coveted Coward of the Month award.  After decades in the business, this just goes to show that even the Grand Wizard can be taken by surprise once in a while.  I saw Fasgnadh as a shoo-in for this month’s prestigious Palmjob Paddle, and was working on getting him another shot at the Unabomber Surprise.  But it never occurred to me that he might also have potential in the Coward of the Month race.  Thanks are in order to Pope Snarky and Raven1 for correcting the Grand Wizard’s oversight.  (Which reminds me: I need to make an appointment with my ophthalmologist to get my prescription sunglasses checked).

The Grand Wizard is still campaigning for Sir Fasgnadh’s inclusion in the race for the Palmjob Paddle and may sign the Indecisive Soldier of God up for other awards should suitable openings arise.  But the CoTM nomination is a rare and truly unexpected gift.  The Grand Wizard is happy to know that my fans still love me and send me presents. It warms the cockles of my heart, and the heart of my… well, you know what I’m saying.

In other news, Dr. Plutonium’s race for the Darth Bawl is going to be a close one.  The incumbent is a longtime AUK favorite, Greg “Captain Neal” Hall.  Hall is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Last month he held onto his Village Idiot title in the face of a truly dense challenger, Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson.

Greegor’s presence on this month’s ballot, alas,  remains a question mark: we have had difficulty getting his nominations seconded, since almost everybody on AUK has had him killfiled for years.  But dope springs eternal in the Grand Wizard’s stable.  We’re confident that before the month is out Hanson will receive the attention he so richly deserves before getting sent back to /dev/null/.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken.  Thank you all for listening.

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An Early Spring is in the Air in the Grand Wizard’s Stable

After last month’s triumphant showing the crown jewel in the Grand Wizard’s turban – Emmett “Pissbum Powerhouse” Gulley – was thrown into the Galactic Killfile and declared ineligible for any further AUK awards.  A lesser manager might crack under this pressure, but I rose to the occasion, my friends, I rose to the occasion.  Bereft of my prize fighter, I took advantage of the depth and density of my stable and called on some fighters who had been sadly neglected last month.

What can I say about Archimedes Plutonium? Who doesn’t know the heartwarming tale of the Dartmouth dishwasher who rose to universal fame throughout Usenet’s sci.* newsgroups thanks to his radical reinterpretations of contemporary physics, mathematics, economics and common sense? Dr. Plutonium (like Dr. Manhattan, only he’s not blue and he has a smaller penis) has been fighting for almost two decades to gain the respect he deserves from the cretinous keyboard cowboys and pathetic pencil-necks who populate that two-bit popcorn stand known as alt.usenet.kooks.  They had counted him out, my friends, they had counted him out. But the Grand Wizard knows that real genius never fades, it just starts to smell funny.  And so, with my aid, and a little bit of assistance from one of Dr. Plutonium’s august colleagues, Dr. Plutonium is now in the running for the coveted Darth Bawl Award.  All those calls and e-mails to Congresscritters and scientific luminaries have finally paid off, Dr. Plutonium. Now all you have to do is beat out Greg Hall, the current Big Bawler and Shot Caller.   But that’s not all: the Grand Wizard is currently negotiating to get Dr. Plutonium his third Victor Von Frankenstein Weird Science award.

Meanwhile, Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson continues to sink to new depths of knuckle-dragging cretinism, thanks to the Grand Wizard’s sage advice.  (Actually, it’s puce advice: sage clashes with my sequined orange blazer).  Thanks to one of Canada’s finest kookologist, seasoned veteran Bit Rot, Mr. Hanson has now been nominated for no less than four awards.  He faces stiff competition  from Ras Michael Enoch for the Pathetic Anal Pineapple and Busted Urinal, but when it comes to the Loony Maroon and Bolo Bullis Foam Duck Hanson is far and away the odds-on Rock Hard Stupid favorite.  This is your month to shine, Mr. Hanson, this is your month to shine. With the Grand Wizard’s help, you will be forever remembered for your truly remarkable slope-browed stupidity.

And let’s not count out Fasgnadh, Indecisive Soldier of God. After winning last month’s George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$”, Global Village Pump  and Golden Killfile Awards for his battle against the murderous unbelievers of alt.atheism, Fasgnadh is tan, rested and ready to do battle once again with the forces of reason, skepticism, and rational thinking.  (There may not be much of that going around on alt.atheism, but since Fasgnadh wouldn’t recognize rational thinking if it bit him, there’s nothing to fear).  We’re hoping to get him a Palmjob Paddle to go along with last month’s awards and may even try once again for the Unabomber Surprise award which was so cruelly stolen from him by the Flonkheads of alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk.  Tremble in fear, Meowmix, tremble in fear. There’s a more deserving candidate over the horizon and he’s going to give you a lesson in the power of sheer verbiage.

Meanwhile, rumor has it that there’s some first class kookery to be found on alt.fan.bob-larson. While our first candidate didn’t pan out (sorry, yumhyuk, but do try again after you’ve perfected your trolling skills) we’re confident that we can get a true name brand world-famous kook in our stable. Confidentiality agreements presently prevent me from saying more, but let’s just say the Grand Wizard has yet another surprise in store for his loyal fans.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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January made them shiver

With Emmett “The Pissbum Powerhouse” Gulley in my stable, I knew that January was going to be a month to remember… and it was, my friends, it was.  Like a rabid chihuahua on a bath salts binge, the Pissbum Powerhouse came out with tooth bared. Before he was finished he made sure everybody on AUK could smell what the Gulley was wearing. Gulley won January 2012’s Loony Maroon award, the Joseph Bartlo “Pathetic Anal Pineapple” Award, the Palmjob Paddle, the Victor von Frankenstein Weird Science Award, the George Pickett Memorial Trophy, the Busted Urinal, the Goofy Azzed Baboon, the Bobo Bullis Foam Duck Award, the Douglas Grant Medal for Historical Revisionism, and the Richard M. Nixon Pathological Liar Award.  And as if that wasn’t enough, he proceeded to take two – yes, two! – tag team titles. With the notorious Captain Greg Hall, he took the Tony Sideaway Drama Queen Award: they later joined forces with % and Janithor to win the Ministry of Circle Jerks.  He then went on to help his longtime colleague and nemesis Albatross to win the Barbara Woodhouse Memorial Dog Whistle. After this, is it any wonder he was also declared the official AUK Mascot?

(Sadly, the Pissbum Powerhouse was unable to complete a hoped-for sweep of the January 2012 awards, losing Coward of the Month to Alien in a heartbreakingly close race).

Longtime alt.atheism crusader Fasgnadh, Indecisive Soldier of God joined the Grand Wizard’s stable this month. With my assistance, he was able to take January 2012’s George Armstrong Custer “Kicked @$$” Award and, in a stunning upset, was able to wrest the office of Global Village Pump from the legendary Matthew “Diaperboi” Moulton.  While he was robbed of a Unabomber Surprise in a controversial decision for meowmix and was unable to overcome the Pissbum Powerhouse tide in his contest for the Victor von Frankenstein Weird Science award, we’re sure he’ll be back for more soon.  Tremble in fear, alt.atheism, tremble in fear.  You’ll be hearing more – much, much, MUCH more – from Fasgnadh in the days to come.

Although Greegor “Rock Hard Stupid” Hanson put up a valiant fight, he was outmatched in his bouts. Unable to beat the Pissbum Powerhouse for the Loony Maroon Award, Rock Hard Stupid nearly beat Greg Hall for the Office of Village Idiot – no mean feat! On AUK cretins are a dime a dozen, but Greegor’s rock hard stupidity is truly something to behold.  After presiding over Pissbumania in January, the Grand Wizard predicts that February 2012 will be Greegor’s month to shine.  And look for big things from the latest addition to the Grand Wizard’s stable – net.legend and scientific genius Archimedes Plutonium – as well.

The Grand Wizard of AUK has spoken. Thank you all for listening.

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